This is the kalyug that our grandparents used to talk about. Times-a-changing as India is on a ban-everything spree. These bans, pan-country or statewide are irrelevant for all of them have a saas-bahu tussle kind of archaic feel to them.

1. BBC Documentary India's Daughter. Because the government is too lazy to do anything else about the safety situation in the country. Too bad we know how to download.

2. Beef. Because gai hamari mata hai. Want to cook your mother-like animal? Blasphemous! (One butter chicken, one burrah kebab and two fish cutlets please. )

3. Movies. 50 shades of Grey, Paanch, Fire and other films that were banned in India. But accessing porn is allowed.

4. 'Lesbian' word. Because that will stop her from being one. While we are at it, ban 'wheat complexion' also. Half of India's worry solved.

5. Smoking in public places. The only ban that makes sense.

6. Homosexuality, "unnatural sex". Because if sodomy is to ever be addressed, the judiciary will have to acknowledge homosexuality in India. Vicious circle sir. Nope. Indians only do it missionary style.

7. Sex toys: Pleasure for the self? No we do not believe in it. We do believe in mass manufacture of gun-shaped pichkaris and toys for our children.

8. Marijuana. What ban? Marijuana is banned in India? But my friend bought it from a cop the other day...

9. AIB roast. Arrest him. What did I do, sir? You made people laugh.

10. Wendy Doniger's The Hindus; Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses and other books banned in India. Because words are like weapons. They allow a thinking mind. Dangerous. Very.

11. Communist Party of India (Maoist). Because the state wants to be an ostrich. And smart-cities will lead to the development of tribals.

12. Pornography: While accessing and possessing it is alright, manufacture and publication of X-rated content is illegal. Ok. Er.

13. Bikinis banned in Goa. Let's give them visa-on-arrival and a complimentary saree!

14. Dance bars in Mumbai. Because somehow that will stop the 'male patrons'.

15. Lingerie clad mannequins in Mumbai. Now that there are no more dance bars, mannequins were where the 'male patrons' turned to.



Where the mind is fearful, head hangs in shame,
In that land of banal bans, my country awakes today.